Irritations and Interactions of Life

Human relationships involve rich and complex physical, emotional, verbal and non-verbal interactions. 

Tensions that develop in relationships are oftentimes played out through arguments, shouting matches, walk outs or the imposition of the silent treatment.

These interactions occur at work with colleagues and clients; in the home with spouses, partners and children; within families including in-laws and siblings; with extended family members at gatherings;   with neighbors; friends and church associates.  

A more subtle source of relationship stress can be exerted by one or more parties through passive aggression, and people who exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.

While an occasional passive-aggressive approach to life's problems isn't unusual, for some people—manipulation and indirect communication are a way of life.

Passive-aggressive people often go undetected in their social circles--at least initially--because they disguise their seething hostility with a pleasant demeanor.

Their passive-aggressive actions are often meant to get others to do something...or to stop doing something, in the form of subtle and covert manipulation.

Remember, the actions of passive-aggressive people are almost always rooted in negativity.

Passive-aggressive behavior doesn't build trust and respect the way that direct, empathetic communication does. Most people who interact with passive-aggressive people feel manipulated and oftentimes resentful.

People feel loyalty and trust towards those who are inspiring, trustworthy, straight talkers with a clear vision. 

So, make it your ambition to be known for your integrity and your ability to share different opinions in an open and respectful way. 

Passive aggressive behavior is like going to the doctor and not telling him the symptom,  and expecting him to treat your trouble. 

Passive aggressors usually mutter some incoherent symptoms and expect him to 'get it', and surmise that, "If he was competent enough, sincere enough—he would! After all, it's his job!” Of course he cannot!! 

Passive-aggressive people know that some behaviors are bad.

For them, It’s just that the alternative (being forthcoming and direct, decisive, certain, firm, and even positive), sounds worse. So they stick with the lesser of their evil.

If you indulge in passive aggressive behavior, know that you are not bad, your behavior is. You are just afraid. Afraid of having your feelings hurt, articulating them, facing them, taking the risk of being blamed back, or of being proven wrong.

For the aggressor, an easier alternative is to 'pass the suffering' but not 'face it'. To just let things take their own course.

A mind in an unhealthy state cannot exhibit healthy interactions 

Passive aggressors are the masters of subterfuge. (deception used in order to achieve their goal. They leave you reeling with frustration and repressed rage, that would be hard to justify to someone else. It’s all planned…but it doesn’t fool an all-seeing, all-knowing God!  

We all know them, the people who smile to your face, offer compliments, and seemingly show "willingness;” just know this—you’re under silent attack!! The passive aggressive person thrives on the power of silence. For them, it’s a great way to chuck-in a whole load of negative energy, without being the culprit. It sows the seeds of conflict, yet their silent attack, cannot be traced to anything that was said or done!

Passive aggressive people seem to be adept at making others feel guilty without good reason. They play a compelling victim and their shameless abuse of people’s emotions is staggering. Do not be fooled or drawn into their web of lies and deceit.  

Resist, resist, resist.

They will stubbornly defend their position, often with some semblance of a reasoned argument that irritatingly, cannot be easily dismissed.

Know that this is actually about power and gaining control.  It’s about them causing a problem and being difficult, thus demonstrating the control they want to have at their disposal.

Passive aggressors revel in silent sullenness. It’s incredibly powerful and communicates a strong message that directly impacts on everyone around them.

Sometimes, this sullenness is hard to ignore and is meant to wear people down. At the same time, people get frustrated that they are being impacted in this way. They feel annoyed at themselves for letting it even get to them. Later on, they wonder if it was something that they did or didn’t do. The answer is ‘NO’–it isn’t about you, (it never is). It’s all about them and these unhealthy behaviors!

 What has made them this way?

People who have experienced emotional distress or trauma, exhibit these traits. Their aggression hides their vulnerability and struggles with power and control.

The symptoms of emotional distress are sometimes severe and may develop into a mental health disorder, such as having borderline personality disorder (BPD—intense emotions, poor self-image, impulsive behaviors and a lack of stability in personal relationships).

BPD—clinically defined as one being on the border between having neuroses and psychosis.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior Damages Relationships Long Term

 Confrontation

To defuse a passive aggressive situation, call out the passive-aggressive behavior for what it is— 

Instead of getting caught up in frustrating arguments, endless conflict cycles, and relationship-damaging wars of words… identify the under-lying anger, put the responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and behavior squarely back in the hands of the passive aggressor.

Refuse to engage in their passive-aggressive conflict cycle. This person not only masters concealing his anger but is also a specialist at getting an unsuspecting adult to act it out by entangling the adult in no-win power struggles.

Discontinue any reinforcement of their anger and behavior. It is likely that this person has spent most of their life guarding and disguising these malevolent emotions and has never had anyone confront them so directly. 

You have to look after yourself. Try and distance yourself as much as you can. Make sure you are crystal clear about what you are dealing with–this really isn’t your doing or problem!
 

Here are SOme things only passive-aggressive people do:

1. They “deliberately Forget" to do things 

Passive-aggressive people prefer to be viewed as "absentminded" rather than disagreeable. Instead of declining to work on a project, they may claim they forgot because they didn't actually want to do it.

2. They say Yes when they have no intention of following through

In an effort to look like people-pleasers, passive-aggressive people rarely say no. They may ignore invitations altogether, only to later claim they never received the invite.

They often robustly agree to face-to-face invitations--even the things they have no desire to do. To escape their obligations, they may then cancel plans at the last minute by feigning an illness, or an emergency. (ie…“I have something to take care of”)

3. They engage in “Backstabbing” behavior

It's not that passive-aggressive people don't share their opinions--it's that they don't share them in an upfront manner.

They're likely to complain to everyone except the person they're complaining about. Their indirect approach hurts relationships and does nothing to solve problems.

4. They are inefficient on purpose

Passive-aggressive people are stubborn. When they don't want to do something, they often become as inefficient as possible to avoid getting the job done. A passive-aggressive person may procrastinate on purpose in the hope someone else will take over.

5. They mask their resentment with a smile

Passive-aggressive people don't express their anger or displeasure in an open manner. Many of them have years of resentment and bitterness built up, and it's often lurking just beneath a phony smile.

No matter how much they disagree with what you're saying, they'll work hard to appear as though they fully support your statements.

Hidden beneath their outwardly agreeable personas, is a desire to punish those who they think have hurt them, and often go to great lengths to retaliate against individuals they believe have taken advantage of them.

Their plots for revenge are often indirect--an anonymous angry email or a nasty rumor that they spread, are just a couple of the approaches passive-aggressive people may take.

7. They exhibit learned “helplessness” 

Passive-aggressive people don't believe they have much control over the events in their lives. Rather than take steps to solve problems, they convince themselves, "there's no use trying, because I can't do anything about it anyway." Their passive approach unnecessarily subjects them to more hardship and, unfortunately, many of their negative predictions turn into self-fulfilling prophecies.

8. They go to great lengths to avoid “Direct” confrontation

Even when they're deeply offended, passive-aggressive people avoid direct confrontation. Sometimes, they offer incongruent communication, by saying things like, "That's fine. Whatever!"

They have allowed others to treat them poorly, and they refuse to admit their feelings are hurt.

9. They “Manipulate” people 

Passive-aggressive people struggle to ask for what they want, and they resort to manipulative tactics to get their needs met.

Instead of asking for help carrying a box, a passive-aggressive person may complain, "I'm probably going to hurt my back carrying that box upstairs all by myself." They don't mind others feeling sorry for them or taking pity on them--as long as it works to get their needs met. (they welcome this sorrowful & pity state)

There will always be times when people will disagree in matters. The important thing is to keep focused on doing the will, which is the Word of Christ.

When our words are in line with our emotions and our behavior, we will always enjoy a much more authentic Kingdom life.